: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
