i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
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His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
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possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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