U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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