They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think my fart just growled at me.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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