I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
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Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
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This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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