Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
