he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
