You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
