Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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