I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
