I CAN MOONWALK!
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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