Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I AM VODKA MAN
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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