I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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