I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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