I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
