I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
