I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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