You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?