Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media