My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
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She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
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in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.