dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
