Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
