Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
