Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my shit smells like andre
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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