So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
