Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
