What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
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He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
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Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
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