he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
