My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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