I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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