I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
