I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
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Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
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And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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