i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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