Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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