either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
