Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
