Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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