Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
