I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
