First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
