I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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