Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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