I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...