Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
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Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
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The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.