great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth