The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
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bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
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It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.