I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
