my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
