life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
