It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize