Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
