You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
