Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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