this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
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To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
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I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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