I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
