giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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