Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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