so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
