I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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