I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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