I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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